| i have never been this depressed in my entire life |
[27 Sep 2006|02:42pm] |
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my own sobbing |
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i wish i had never met him.
i wish that all the days and nights i spent with him were spent alone or even doing crack. i cant believe he hurt me so bad, its amazing. he was the best friend i ever had and now he wont even talk to me. in fact he refuses to talk to me. i never did anything but love him with all my being. i would have done anything for him. i did.
i guess its for the best considering who we really are. i will always be lonely and ill always regret letting him in.
i thought i loved him. i did. hes dating yani now. i want to kill myself in front of him.
i hope he is happy.
i have no friends and i want to die.
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[16 May 2006|12:55pm] |
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mood |
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bedazzled |
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music |
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belle and sebastian |
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i have to write an essay, now... id really like to have a beer instead.
i need a job.
im so burned out i need a break.
im so happy summer is here!!!!!!!
do you do any recreational drugs?
WHAT?!
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[12 Apr 2006|08:41am] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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lou reed |
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EMILY:;: what does o.zilla mean? is it my name for when im crazy? i like it better than ocirus because i can spell it. DONT talk about you know what on the fucking internet tard we cant tell anyone its BAD ENOUGH we are taking pictures of them, shit.
im SO HIGH and sitting in the school library trying to not get stalked by joel booth. hes creepy but nice, in a creepy way. im supposed to be doing my book review for asian studies but i think its best to wait till im not... you know...
im so hungry!! i have a pop tart the newly 16 year old tart gave me but i cant eat it in the library! fuckkkkk a duckkkkk its smores yuuuummmmmmmmmm. i want to eat a red barron mexican pizza, with ranch. oh god thinking about it is killing me.
im so excited for camping friday!! but im not sure if we will have enough sleeping space. people are going to make me sleep in bigts but i will either get raped or killed. all i know is were going to get a bruised up and bug bitten the weekend right before prom. i want to have a BIG camping caravan circle tent party. thats a big title for a big event. other people should go with us. YOUR ALL INVITED! actually, most of your are invited. if you have doubts ask me but the people who would be unwelcome know who they are so no biggie nigs.
i have two essays to write on thursday. i just realized. they are back to back. greek and roman symposium essay test and then a crime and punishment essay. i have read neither. great.
"name me someone thats not a parasite and ill go out and say a prayer for him." bob dylan
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[10 Apr 2006|08:48am] |
i wish i knew before now that everyone was so fucking fed up with me... then maybe i wouldnt feel so bad. i feel guilty for wanting a real date to prom but why should i? a girls gotta have dreams. but it wont happen and ill go with bigt and feel bad about myself. i dont even have a dress yet...
im currently on a sobriety quest. im not feeling ok with being numb and fucked up all the time anymore its not worth it. and im doing some serious character evaluations on myself and i cant be high for that.
yesterday i read all of me talk pretty one day by david sedaris in one sitting. im in love.
i hate to say this but i wish i was a different person im so unsatisfied with who i am.
ineedajob.....................
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[07 Apr 2006|01:33pm] |
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nervous tapping |
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i have a pen pal. from alaska. i feel special.
im nothing minus the mug...
ice cream. orange sherbert or chocolate chip mint? i can never decide.
i wish bigt would age 2 years in a month, or a day. things would definatley be different then.
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[05 Apr 2006|09:42am] |
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 awake |
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music |
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visions of johanna |
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fucked uf haiku::::::
toe of anneseh (sp?)
sticky icky makes me sicky
probably could choke a donkey
naked hot tub
wet merry feet
remember to clean it tomorrow
empty pockets
empty tank
full head
flashing lights
fown full of nothing
fuck cabo
and my fav by the kel kel:
a beard full of cous cous
a beastly manchild; whiskey
never sing again!
i still havent gotten dharma bums for asian studies yet... fuck. i hate assignments. i wish we didnt have to do logs anymore in dmac but no we do and ive piled up 4 so far. i want kellis mom to go away this weekend!! i neeeeeeeed another trip in the loft!
no school next friday!! its almost thursday which is damn close to the weekend!
my dads birthday is on 420.
i miss maxs already, the massage chair, the hot tub, the trailer, it was mos def the best party house ive seen in a while. too bad...
the most fun thing to do in the world is to go to sonic early in the day with bigt, get tasty drinks like coke with vanilla and lime in them, put as much capn mo in them as possible and go walk down the trail on mt sequoyah(sp?) while smoking bowls with lucas. it was the best no school day ive had in a while though we did end up having to walk back UP the HUGE mtn and i almost died.
im not going to nepal.
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[03 Apr 2006|02:16pm] |
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queen bitch- david bowie |
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this place is fucking killing me. im really hating this. im literally doing nothing, jack shit for the rest of the time. i only read 42 pages of crime and punishment the rest is all sparknotes baby. and i have to read the symposium for greek and roman. oh yes and in math THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY OF ME PASSING EVER. im soooo disappointed in myself. im so whiny. oh fuck. i have a $55 parking ticket to be paid by april 21. zach better get me a job as a telemarketer. hahaha how nice would that be me calling people all day? crazy.
i want a REAL date to prom not bigt. ugh... i dont want to settle anymore. he does turn 16 on the 11th though. whoop de fucking doo.
i hate it when people just whine on here so sorry everyone i just have nothing else to talk about.
i want to be around new people and i NEED to stop making myself so numb all the time, its like im not even there most of the time. im basically going through the motions till someone snaps me out of it.
but whos there to do that?
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[29 Mar 2006|05:05pm] |
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pain of the lungs |
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music |
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talking heads |
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something like 29 days left... in on the edge of my seat
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[10 Mar 2006|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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lou reed |
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i am so confused about the attendance system!! after i have 8 excused absences i cant have any more right? and the rest are labeled unexcused? but if i get over 4 unexcused absences i have saturday school! fuck. i just wish stupid classes like being a teachers aide for mrs brothers didnt count attendance i cant be expected to stay in this hellhole ALL DAY!
i hardly went to school at all this week...
i have so much shit to do:
make up asian studies test
make up DMAC quiz
translate the entire oresteia into "contemporary language"
read a FUCKLOAD of crime and punishment
this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S
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[02 Mar 2006|02:38pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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velvet underground |
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arg my grades are so shitty i cant stand being a a-b-c student. \\
im glad though because i got a 98 on the china unit essay and i didnt even do the monkey topic. i am da bomb as neralich might say in another world.
tent party this weekend. and kickball if the weather permits. elise stole a pink rubber ball from the front yard of someone in my neighborhood. were going to kick the shit out of it
when will nepal time get here???!!!???!!!
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[01 Mar 2006|10:18am] |
the big fat war was going on.
so profitable for daddy.
she drove a pea green ford.
he drove a pearl grey caddy.
in the end they used it up.
all that pale green dough.
the rest i spent on doctors.
who took it like gigilos.
oh anne how i wish i could have met you...
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[01 Mar 2006|10:04am] |
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bowie bowie bowie |
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i FINALLY finished that goddamned motherfucking ap lit essay!! i wish it was better than it is because i really loved the subject. anne sexton deserved more than 4 pages of bullshit everyones already heard before... ugh i have to stop feeling guilty about shit i cant change.
it is so nice outside i wish we could have nice days instead of snow days we really deserve it. no we dont. SENIORITIS!
it is GROSS and DISGUSTING that some girls at the high school think neralich is hott and want to have sex with him. he is a TEACHER for christ sakes and OLD. i wish he was my dad/ grandpa
jeff and t are both smoking again tho only jeff for the long haul. t has been really depressed lately i dont know what to do to make him feel better! hes such a good kid i wish he believed it
omg i have to start going to rehersals now after school im kinda looking forward to it because i get to see rose and now ill actually have something to do in the afternoons, but im kinda not because its form 330 to 6 and ill be around cass trumbo and david fish! i cant believe they both got parts, bitches.
i am breaking out and my hair looks bad. motherfucker im in a good sassy mood today though. if you see me look for the sass itll be there
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[22 Feb 2006|02:43pm] |
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elliot smith figure 8 |
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there has been a meth lab under elizabeths house for a long time now. i think the reason we are all so sick is because we have been breathing in meth fumes like jamie in that anti drug commercial. i went over there after school and liz and i watched the meth lab clean up team which consisted of a black and some middle aged white lady in white suits and gloves clean up the mess. it was crazy, we have pictures but icant figure out really how to post them, im lazy and computer illiterate. anyway, the black guy did all the work while the lady sat in the truck. he had to put everything in separate containers and filled them with sawdust before putting biohazard stickers on all of them. we smoked at the window while all this went down. AND liz and sarah say they saw a small camera in the window of the apt, it was taping what was going on outside. that is exactly where bigT pees everytime he has to at lizs. i bet the tape is now online somewhere on a piss fetish site...
one acts!!
u of a library!! i cant wait, me, sarah, and emily are going to just stay for the orientation and then tell DMAC that we will walk back after 2 so we can leave then. i have no idea what were going to do with all of that free time.
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[21 Feb 2006|02:44pm] |
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lucas emily kelli and myself singing aerosmith |
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snow snow snow... no sledding but much drinking and marveling.
friday... bullying jeff and bigt, drinking a handle and not being able to remember anything because of how xantarded i was.i even pulled a tbagz and got all depressed for a while but then got over it with t and kel kel in the bathroom where kel freaked out and t comforted, strange.
saturday... i felt sad because i thought i got ditched but i turns out i didnt. cuddle party in lizs room. sing along, laughing till i cried "i dont wanna close my eyes, i dont wanna fall asleep cause id miss you baby and i dont wanna miss a thing"
sunday... i would love to remember
monday... everyone drank jeffs alcohol so i spent the day feeling guilty and sad because nobody will ever pay him back. i got crunk though, jesus.
this week is going to fly by!! its already tuesday, ive got nothing to do tomorrow, thursday er have one acts and friday is the day me shultzasaurus and em'ly go to the u of a library. then party time will comence
my car is running on hopes and dreams right now...
is anyone intrested in buying my body or my soul? im not using either at the moment and i need MONEY and GAS!
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[17 Feb 2006|09:37am] |
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 lonely |
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anything moody and beck |
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i have been feeling so mean and crazy lately i wish i was a nicer person but i guess im just kind of a bitch. own the bitch inside you! ive only been wanting to hang out with certain peole lately im feeling so exclusive. i wish it wasnt so cold so we could go camping but no its FREEZING.
MEREY we need to hang out imissyou!!! you are one of the lucky few id like to be around this weekend~!
i hope this weird mood goes away i feel like people would be put off by it. i want to be social and happy for a while and not have to deal with crazy people drama that i will HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOMETIME. its like homework im putting off, friend work. but i just cant not ever be around her without hurting her and i dont want to do that. i just cant handle the shower of bullshit that spews from her mouth.
i feel so guilty for not caring and wanting to give up on all of it. somehow i just cant ever win with her. how is it so wrong to know that in small ways you are right? im sticking to my guns on this one though it might kill our friendship. once she said "i love being right, i feels so good to be right all the time" i cant fucking stand that in no universe is one person right all the time.
somehow i think i will be very lonely this weekend.
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[14 Feb 2006|10:09am] |
my mom better call and excuse my absences from before i was 18 or im going to have to go medieval on her ass. its only tuesday and already im sick of school, big surprise...
anne sexton is a beautiful poet:
YOUNG
a thousand doors ago
when i was a lonely kid
in a big house with four
garages and it was summer
as long as i could remember,
i lay on the lawn at night,
clover wrinkling under me,
the wise stars bedding over me,
my mothers window a funnel
of yellow heat running out,
my fathers window, half shut,
an eye where sleepers pass,
and the boards of the house
were smooth and white as wax
and probably a million leaves
sailed on their strange stalks
as the crickets ticked together
and i, in my brand new body,
which was not a womans yet,
told the stars my questions
and thought God could really see
the heat and the painted light,
elbows, knees, dreams, goodnight.
im enjoying the ap lit poetry week we are having i just dont want to write that motherfucking essay...
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| i had a damn fine birthday |
[07 Feb 2006|02:54pm] |
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the grey album |
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im so glad everyone showed up (except ofr max silly boy) to my party i had such a good time and i got to see everyone i love!!
RECAP:
bigt and reed were insane outside i was practically crying they should hang out more they are quite a duo.
WEIRD juniors i dont know were there and heroin addicts that i DIDNT INVITE showed up out of nowhere but it was funny anyway.
jocelyn kelli and lucas passed out early, like at ten.
i got SO DRUNK i think i remember having ten wine glasses, that i know of...
jeff had make up on and was grinding on everything in sight
emily and sarah were missing and i was so sad!
overall i think my eighteenth year will be my best if it goes as well as saturday did.
props to everyone who showed up and professed their love to me im so happy now because of it thanks!!!!!!!!!!
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[03 Feb 2006|09:38am] |
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eels |
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birthday party or party birthday?
im so stressed out i hope there are not a million people coming saturday but then again i want to see everyone, i just dont want things to get too out of hand.
oh well im so ready to party!!
and i still have to do that dante painting thing for d mac, damn.
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| i am legal... |
[02 Feb 2006|10:44am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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the demons swimming in my mind |
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oh my the perks of being an adult, i can but porn and ciggarettes with little to no guilt and have sex with whomever i want. somehow that all dosent seem so appealing anymore.
i love it when you put pics on livejournal em'ly.
i havent written in this thing in a while ive been quite busy living my life to the fullest and not doing my motherfucking school work because i could die tomorrow. yesterday was my birthday (the BIG 18!!) and i had a really good day i thought that it would suck but i was proved very wrong. my mom woke me up in the morning with presents: jewlery, a jewlery box, money, and a book i will never read. i went to school for a while then checked out and went to the dmv and got my new licence. then rachel and i went to joses for birthday lunch and after school me sarah and kelli hung out and drove around hyland park.
i have been sick lately so i would have bought ciggs first thing wednesday morning but i waited till today when me and emily skipped that fucking assembly and went to the tobacco superstore and i got dunhill lights. the box is so pretty thats really the only reason i bought it.
im really excited for my party!!! its disco dance themed so bring your dancing shoes and glitter! eryn and i went to cheap thrills and i got the PERFECT jacket for saturday. its gold, ivory and black with a fur collar. its almost like a dress. i really hope it turns out the way i hope it will, everyone gets totally plastered, i get some action, and nobody breaks anything in jocelyns house.
if you are planning on coming it will be at jocelyns house starting around 8 on saturday you have to come dressed up if you dont you will be sent home or i will pour a bucket of honey on your head. it will be my birthday party so presents are highly appreciated but you dont have to. i want to see everyone i dont get to see all the time that includes YOU SHANNON STEVEN MOLLY MARTIN MONICA ETC!! i miss big parties that you can get lost in
if you need directions or anything pertaining to anything my number for anyone out of the loop is 313-2748. i dont usually answer weird numbers i dont already know so if i fail to answer the first time you call leave a message and call back, its called paranoia.
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| its friday the 13th and were waiting on alcohol |
[13 Jan 2006|07:33pm] |
so me emily lucas and kelli are sitting at elizabeths while elise and elizabeth go to noahs and get alcohol. im very high at the moment so excuse me if you please. i dont know what those reindeer games are alll about. jeff is coming over and he is going to test the "wild greens" fake pot. its called hawaiian gold. were going to go get our palms read. i feel grossbut aparantly i smell good, maybe like pot because were swimming in a poool of it.>>>oneida
EM'LY;
we're going to cut of KIKI!!!!!!!!!!
*pause*
and stick it in your CHI-CHI!!!
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